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missrenee

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Reply with quote  #1 

i'm sorry if this is in the wrong place, but i could figure out where it would go.  mods, feel free to move this!

i'm stuck on a dilemma and i just thought, when it comes to advice and helpful viewpoints, why not turn to my JOC friends and prayer partners (LOL).  so, here goes...

i'm single and 33 (not much luck in the dating department); recently, my job at an elementary school has got me thinking about having a child of my own.  at first, i thought i'd look into adoption after about a year.  but, my mom suggested i go for a fertility clinic -- i.e. getting pregnant by a donor -- to have a child of my own.  while researching all this, i realized, either way, i would have to go through a lot of psychiatric testing and so forth.

why?  what do you guys think?  any ideas/thoughts?

thanx in advance!


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*wanted: love of a jealous kind
*"poster child for the christian single, dumped on more than a birdhouse shingle..."
*"'cause i don't understand You and why You're after me..."
*Bible study blog: http://missrenee1.tumblr.com/
romelB

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Reply with quote  #2 


My dad worked in Saudi Arabia for 20 years (that's the first 20 years of my life) and comes home only once in two years... so I grew up almost without him.

So Im sorry, but i still have stick to the old formula: a child needs both a mother and a father. Its by God's grace those successful single parents made it.
missrenee

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Reply with quote  #3 

someone else just pointed that out to me.  i told them the same thing: i hadn't looked at the perspective of my child growing up without a father.  i guess all i thought about was the fear of never having children, since the man hasn't come along.  thanx for your imput!  you having had the 'experience' helps...


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*wanted: love of a jealous kind
*"poster child for the christian single, dumped on more than a birdhouse shingle..."
*"'cause i don't understand You and why You're after me..."
*Bible study blog: http://missrenee1.tumblr.com/
SealOfServants

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Reply with quote  #4 
Missrenee,

I hadn't thought it from that perspective either! But that's a really good point. With that in mind, here are some thoughts.

Being a single mother, you're going to be very torn between time with your child and time spent working. There seem to me to be essentially two types of single mothers: the kind that are self-sufficient and employed, but don't get to spend much time with their children (my grandmother did this when her husband left her); or the kind of mothers who make spending a lot of time with their children a priority, and thus live with or heavily rely on the help and support of family and friends for material needs (my best friend's mother did this when her husband left her).

If you had a child, what kind of lifestyle would you make for yourself? You could continue doing your job, but that means a significant portion of your child's formative years will be spent without you there. They will be with grandma, or a neighbor, or a friend, or in a daycare. This is the case for many married couples anyway where one parent can't stay home, but that doesn't make it the best decision. For yourself, there's no option: either work and leave your child to be raised for a good portion of their young life in someone else's hands, or you'll have to rely on other people's kindness so that you can spend quality time with your child.

This leads into another area: do you have people in your life to support you through this? Do you have parents who can help out when you need it? Do you have friends? Neighbors? Do you have people in your life that you can rely on to give you emotional support? Keep in mind that those closest to you will also be effected by the presence of this child.

Then there is the point that Romel made: the absence of a father. This becomes even more complex today because of the way in which you would become pregnant via the fertility clinic (assuming you go that route).
Because clinics are a recent phenomenon, there isn't much information available as to what the psychological effects are upon children that come into the world via that route and don't have a father-figure in their life when they are born. I imagine that they have a very difficult time, based on the many people I know who grew up without a father, or whose father left the family.

Then, aside from simply not having a father, they'll have to deal with a unique set of emotions in knowing that they weren't conceived by someone that had a relationship with their mother, but by a completely impersonal process to which the father had no real connection. To us, a sperm donor is just a nice guy who wants to help people fulfill their dreams. He feels no more about it than we do with giving away our blood. The man is essentially nobody to us--just a guy who was needed to get the process rolling.

But the child isn't going to think of him like that. This is their father, regardless of what he or anyone else was thinking when he donated his sperm. That child is connected to him, derived from him, they have his characteristics and traits as much as yours, and that man is a part of that child as much as you are. Those feelings don't go away just because the man was just a donor. Will your child resent being purposefully, calculatingly brought into a world where you knew their father gave them away in a petri dish? Will they go through an identity crisis?

These are all things I think about when I think about fertilization clinics. I don't know that the public really understands yet just what effects this is having on children who grow up this way. That being said, I would think adoption is such a good way to remedy this. It's different than giving birth, but you don't go through the emotional and ethical crises of thinking to yourself, "Was this the right thing to do?" because with adoption, you have a child that is already in the world and needs a home. They may grow up without a father, but at least they're not growing up without a father or mother in their life, and they're not going to be sold into child-prostitution or anything else along those lines. You can be pretty certain that when you adopt, you're giving a child a better life than they would have lived had you not adopted them.

Whereas with adoption you are moving a child out of one context into another, with fertility clinics are are bringing a child into the world and foisting upon them a life without a father. I think there is a lot of potential weight on your shoulders with the fertility route. So personally, I would think adoption is the way to go. But you have to make a decision for yourself. I would just encourage you to take an honest reflection over what will be best for the child. Blessings!

~Derek
missrenee

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Reply with quote  #5 
Derek --
wow!  thank you!  my biggest fear with adoption was that the child will always want their other parents or wonder why they 'threw them away'.  thanx for your imput!

__________________
*wanted: love of a jealous kind
*"poster child for the christian single, dumped on more than a birdhouse shingle..."
*"'cause i don't understand You and why You're after me..."
*Bible study blog: http://missrenee1.tumblr.com/
missrenee

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Reply with quote  #6 
i've decided not to do it anyway, so it doesn't matter.

but still, i never said anything about me not trusting God, i have prayed about this. one of the four guys we celebrate on this very board adopted a son two years ago.  is he not a godly person also?  i don't see how opening my home and life to a child says that i have a bad heart.  i'm not unhappy, i'm not discontent, i just want to have a child before my body can no longer do it.

you said it's about what i want and not what God wants.  um, everybody 'wants' marriage and a child (a lot of people, anyway).  that doesn't mean they're turning on God, it just means they feel they are ready.  and i have spoken to members of my community and my school where i work.  we were all pretty excited about my decision.  the only reason i turned to this board (and several others) is to get the opinions of those i appreciate and have things in common with.

as far as it being about me and not the child (i.e., selfish), why on earth would i do it if it wasn't to love the child.  that makes absolutely no sense!

__________________
*wanted: love of a jealous kind
*"poster child for the christian single, dumped on more than a birdhouse shingle..."
*"'cause i don't understand You and why You're after me..."
*Bible study blog: http://missrenee1.tumblr.com/
SethM

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Reply with quote  #7 
Having just read this thread, I'm glad you've chosen not to go ahead with it, especially the fertility clinic option. I think there's a big difference between adoption and a fertility clinic, so no, I don't think any single person is 'spiritually wrong' to adopt. Not that you shouldn't pray about it, but there are, of course, plenty of other practical things to consider about bringing even an adopted child into a single parent environment.

Your story reminds me of a friend of mine. She'll be 28 this year and all she's wanted is to get married and have a family. All she's seen is all her friends (including myself) doing just that. I know she's often gotten quite upset about it and questioned why she, who wants a husband and family, has so far been denied it when others around her seem to take it for granted. She's learned to trust that where she's currently at is God's plan, even if she doesn't like it. At least she can take comfort knowing she's doing God's will. Hope that helps a bit.
missrenee

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Reply with quote  #8 

thank you, seth.  it does!


__________________
*wanted: love of a jealous kind
*"poster child for the christian single, dumped on more than a birdhouse shingle..."
*"'cause i don't understand You and why You're after me..."
*Bible study blog: http://missrenee1.tumblr.com/
JARSHEART47

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Reply with quote  #9 
Well, let me throw in my two cents worth.  I thought I did everything right.  Got condo.  Put myself through school. Started career.  Married husband.  Traveled.  Sold condo, bought house.  Spent lots of $$$ on fixing up property (I'm on 1 acre).  Stop birth control.   Nothing happens.  Blood work is normal.  Nothing happens.  Had exploratory laparoscopic surgery in March, diagnosed with severe stage 4 endometriosis.  Need total hysterectomy before the end of the year.  I have my dream husband, house and career, but waited too long, and will not have a child.  Never thought that "letting nature take its course" would bring me down this hellish road.  I cannot walk down the baby food aisle at the grocery store.  I cannot look at cute baby clothes.  I smile at my 8 months pregnant co-worker, but am crying on the inside.  I am 38 yrs old.   I am freaking out.  How did this happen ?  Why did this happen ?  I wish I was 33, I would do things differently.  If you are in the same boat when you are 38, will you wistfully think "gee, I could have had a 5 yr old " and find that your time has run out ?  Because that is where I am, and it is not pretty.

Michelle (Jark Heart)
missrenee

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Reply with quote  #10 

thank you for seeing things from my perspective.  i don't have the husband, but i have had a great deal of 'female' issues.  right now, no one's sure if i can have a child, so i wanted to try to have one to see.  it's good to hear your experience, good luck in the future and prayers for you and your husband!


__________________
*wanted: love of a jealous kind
*"poster child for the christian single, dumped on more than a birdhouse shingle..."
*"'cause i don't understand You and why You're after me..."
*Bible study blog: http://missrenee1.tumblr.com/
JARSHEART47

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Reply with quote  #11 
Quote:
Originally Posted by missrenee

thank you for seeing things from my perspective.  i don't have the husband, but i have had a great deal of 'female' issues.  right now, no one's sure if i can have a child, so i wanted to try to have one to see.  it's good to hear your experience, good luck in the future and prayers for you and your husband!

Many great people have been raised by single parents, and many bad people have been raised by the "ideal" family.  I wanted everything to be so perfect, I did not notice time slipping away.  Thank you for your prayers, I need them.  I will also pray for you.  Feel free to email me using the link here on the board, we can talk more if you would like. 

Michelle (Jark Heart)
willb

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Reply with quote  #12 
I can understand your desire to have a child of your own.  I will say that in a best case scenario it is best for the child to have a father and mother.  Yet, it is possible that your child would have a father-figure who would be active in their life such as a grandfather or uncle(s)?     

I would encourage you to adopt as there are many children in need of a home with a loving parent(s). 

Whichever route you choose to go, I think it important to get as much medical history as you can just as a precaution.

I appreciate that you seek our counsel, but more importantly, pray to God and seek the One who knows all things and what is best.

Will

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CadillacKincaid

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Reply with quote  #13 
I know it's been a while since this post, but I felt a strong need to answer. I am quite thrown by some previous responses. If a child will make you happy and fulfill your life then you should take action! A child is going to love you and appreciate you no matter if he or she has a father. and if you take the adoption route than the child will definitely be in a better situation. Who's going to say that a perfect father will not come along afterwards.

Also, I have a friend in a very similar situation. She became pregnant through a donor to have a child. I have never seen her happier and her and her daughter have a great relationship. And it is NOT a "sin". I am appalled that someone could put that "god intended for children to be raised by both parents"... If that's the case then why would a father die before his child is born or etc...

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